My Predictions For 2003

by ComputerBob

December 31, 2002

Movies

Eddie Murphy will write, produce, direct, and star in a comedy in which nearly all of the laughs will center around passing gas and other bodily functions. Mr. Murphy and the movie will each make hundreds of millions of dollars.

Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock will each star in several romantic comedies, playing quirky, lovable characters who fall in love with their leading men at the end of the movie. Every Blockbuster Video store will have 200 copies of each Julia Roberts movie and 3 copies of each Sandra Bullock movie.

Disney/Pixar will release a computer-animated comedy featuring a gruff but lovable beast, his dumb but lovable sidekick, an evil nemesis, and an extremely cute child.

Michael Jackson will play Diana Ross in a new film about her life. Leonardo DiCaprio will play Michael Jackson in a new film about his life. Felicity's Keri Russell will play Leonardo DiCaprio in a new film about his life.

Adam Sandler, Martin Lawrence, Mike Meyers, Whoopi Goldberg, Rob Schneider, The Wayans Brothers, David Arquette, Molly Shannon, Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan, Freddie Prinz Junior, Dana Carvey, Jim Carrey, and every Saturday Night Live cast member who gets an idea for a 3-minute sketch, will star in comedies that will make hundreds of millions of dollars. I will continue to be completely baffled as to why anyone considers any of their movies to be even remotely funny.

Television

The Ricki Lake show will feature more than its share of tranvestites and grossly overweight guests. The Maury Povich show will feature more than its share of "teenagers who dress too sexy" and people who have physical abnormalities. The Jenny Jones show will feature more than its share of beauty make-overs and local rappers with dubious talent. All three shows will feature way too many irresponsible women forcing way too many irresponsible men to take paternity tests.

There will be a "Judge (somebody)" show on one or more channels, 24 hours a day.

The Bravo channel will continue to show the 30+ year-old series of Godfather movies every other night and every weekend. On alternating nights, Bravo will show Cirque du Soleil.

The Women's Entertainment channel will be renamed "the Felicity Channel."

The UPN and WB networks will merge into a new WV (witchcraft and vampires) network.

The Fox network will heavily promote what they'll describe as "a hilarious new Bachelor series." The 25 females vying for the bachelor's heart will be told that he is a multi-millionaire doctor. At the end of the show, it will be revealed that he's actually an unemployed drug addict and convicted felon who has both Hepatitis and Herpes. The angry bachelorettes will file a class action lawsuit against Fox, which will televise the entire court proceedings. On the last day of court, it will be revealed that "the presiding judge" was actually the bachelor's drug dealer.

During a fascinating interview with Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Phil will accidently blurt out the phrase, "Hey now!" Viewers will immediately realize that he is not a doctor at all, but is actually Hank Kingsley from the now-defunct Larry Sanders show. Strangely, the revelation will not affect the Dr. Phil show's ratings.

MSNBC will continue to air "Countdown To War," 24 hours a day, every weekday, and reruns of National Geographic programs 24 hours a day every Saturday and Sunday, until the entire network goes off the air. Strangely, the shutdown will not affect the network's ratings.

The taxpayer-subsidized PBS network will air its most interesting programs only during the several weeks that it will constantly interrupt them to beg for public donations. The rest of the year, PBS programming will be dominated by nature programs and 20 year-old Britcoms. Predictably, these behaviors will not affect the network's ratings.

James Van Praagh, host of Beyond, will communicate with the deceased husband of a woman in the audience. The dead husband will tell the woman to buy $100 worth of lottery tickets, and tell her the exact lottery numbers to bet on. The next day, the woman will return to the show to report that only one of the lottery tickets was a winner, and it won only $4. She'll say that it proves that her deceased husband really communicated with her, because he was always bad at playing the lottery.

Sports

During a period of only a few months, small groups of mostly otherwise-unemployable men will each be paid one hundred times the amount of money that a normal person earns in their entire lifetime. In return, those men will throw, hit, or carry balls of different sizes and shapes, while hundreds of thousands of people cheer them on. State governments will find ways to make taxpayers pay for new sports stadiums.

Justice

Under the influence of both alcohol and illegal drugs, a celebrity will intentionally run over a group of people, killing several and maiming the rest. He will be convicted of murder and sentenced to 6 months probation. A blue collar worker in a midwestern state will steal a carton of cigarettes from a convenience store. He will be convicted of a "hate crime," and sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Boxer and convicted rapist, Mike Tyson, will say or do something incredibly offensive or illegal. He will go on to earn $100 billion for his next fight. Three months later, he will declare bankruptcy.

While licking an envelope, Joan Rivers will get a paper cut on her upper lip. Her tightly stretched face will instantly split open and completely peel off of her head. She will emerge from months of reconstructive surgery, looking surprisingly like Michael Jackson.

A distraught Californian will commit suicide by hanging himself in his basement. His relatives will make millions of dollars by successfully suing the company that made the rope, the store that sold him the rope, the traffic cop who gave him a parking ticket three weeks before his death, and the Boy Scout leader who taught him how to tie knots in 1985.