http://www.ComputerBob.com/journal_archive/2005/02.php .
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For the past several days and nights, I've been busy doing important work that I'm not at liberty to discuss, other than to
tell you that I will continue doing it for the foreseeable future, and it is my honor and joy to do it. This morning, I had
enough time to add some important sources of support and information for abuse victims (Web sites and toll-free telephone
numbers) to this site's Abuse Information section. If you are a victim of abuse, or if you know a victim
of abuse, I encourage you to check out those sources.
If you've seen the pieces in this site's Abuse Information section, and you're looking for
something with more depth, I very highly recommend
Why Does He Do That?
Written by Lundy Bancroft, the cofounder and codirector of the first program for abusive men in the entire U.S., this easy to read
book uses many
real-life examples to debunk the popular myths about why abusive men are abusive. I was surprised to learn that some of the
things that I've always believed about abusers are not true. This book also explains the real reasons why abusers do the things
they do; it proves that abusers are not "out of control," but are usually very much aware of exactly what they are doing; and it
describes ways that society often condones, enables, and even rewards abusers' destructive behaviors. I recognized my father's
abusive behaviors so many times
that I felt like the author must have been peeking into my family's windows while I was growing up. If you are a victim of abuse,
or if you know a victim of abuse, this book is a must-read.
Last night, I submitted this Journal to a few search engines that list blogs (online journals). Today, LS Blogs added this Journal to their listings.
There are few honors that can be bestowed upon a person that are as important as being invited into the "inner circle" of
someone else's life. If that honor is ever bestowed upon you, take your role seriously. Do everything you can to protect and
defend
that other person's privacy and confidentiality, even if their privacy and confidentiality needs are far more stringent than
you would choose for yourself. It is their right to share whatever secrets they want to share, as well as their right to
not share any of their secrets, if that is what they choose. And jealously guard any confidences that they share with you -- the
fact that you are in their "inner circle" does not give you the right to invite others into that circle by sharing confidential
information with them, even if they put tremendous pressure on you to share with them. Only through having the loyalty and
courage to do all of that will you prove that you truly deserve the honor of being trusted.
This morning, I rummaged though some of our still-to-be-unpacked boxes, trying to find our copy of the Bill Murray film, "What
About Bob?" I didn't find it, but I did find a cassette tape of me singing a song that I wrote and recorded back when I was a
teenager. It's been many years since then, but the best advice I can give anyone about relationships is still the one-line
chorus of that song, "Love is when I stop thinking of me and start thinking of you."
My sincere thanks to all of you who have written to me in the past couple of days to express your love and support. If you
would like to read or join a discussion about abuse, please visit the Abuse thread in ComputerBob's Forums.
Regular readers of this Journal know that my wife and I have had a victim of abuse living with us for nearly 7 months. You also know that, several weeks ago, I began referring to that person as "our houseguest." Now, I am finally ready to tell you that "our houseguest" is actually my mother, and her abuser is my father, who also abused my siblings and me when we were growing up. The more I read and learn about abuse and abusers, the more I recognize the myriad mind games that abusers play to try to convince everyone around them that their abuse victim is crazy and that the abuser himself is the victim in the relationship. In that way, and many others, the abuser often succeeds in totally isolating his victims from the support of their friends and family, thus strengthening his power and control over his victims.
As a result of the education that I have received from reading many books and articles about abuse, and through the priceless support that I have received from a counselor at a local women's shelter, I have been facing up to my own history as an abuse victim. In the past several months, I have found myself recognizing and challenging some long-term abusive behaviors exhibited by a couple of my friends and family members -- abusive behaviors that I had allowed to go unchallenged for years in the past in the hope of maintaining "peace." Now I understand that any peace that comes from surrendering to abuse is not peace. Unfortunately, the result of challenging an abuser is often all-out "war," as the abuser sees any challenge to his control over his victims to be a personal attack, and is often willing to say or do anything in order to preserve or regain that control. It can be very frustrating and confusing to deal directly with someone who has an abusive personality, because they're often very skilled and experienced at trying to make you feel like you're crazy, or that you are the abuser, and sometimes it's really hard to keep reminding yourself that you're not.
Because you have no power to stop someone else from being abusive, or to change their deeply ingrained abusive attitudes, values and beliefs, often the only way to deal with an abuser is to totally separate yourself from them. It has been very traumatic and painful for me to winnow out a few of my oldest relationships. Fortunately, it has also been very empowering to me personally, knowing that the many relationships that I choose to maintain are all very healthy and supportive. I know that the odds of it happening are very slim, but I hope that those who I challenged will eventually seek the help that they will need to try to overcome the highly dysfunctional attitudes that fuel their abusive behaviors.
If you suspect that you or someone you know may be a victim of abuse, or if you want to learn how to recognize abusive
behavior, or if you'd like to learn ways that you can help victims of abuse, please visit this site's
Abuse Information section, which now contains 41 important pieces.
What will the sociopaths who create computer viruses think of next? It looks like one of these days, we may all have to buy anti-virus software for our cell phones and automobiles.
The past few days brought a whirlwind of activity to our home. Monday was my wife's birthday, so this past weekend, her parents, one brother, and his wife flew down from up north to spend her birthday weekend with her. On Saturday night, we all went out for dinner at the rotating restaurant that's right on the beach on the Gulf Coast. On Sunday afternoon, they all left for home. Then, on Monday, I threw a little surprise party for my wife by cooking a complete dinner for us and our wonderful next-door neighbors, Mike and Annamarie. After dinner, we had birthday cake and ice cream, and then she opened her birthday presents from me. I gave her the exact same digital camera that my Uncle Dom and his family had surprised me with last month on my birthday, along with the same camera case and rechargeable batteries that I had bought for my camera.
Today is the 16th birthday of our god-daughter, Anastasia. We helped raise her from birth
to 6 1/2 years old, and she's always been like a daughter to me. We're very happy for Ana and proud of her that she has grown up
to be a sweet, smart, loving young woman with a good head on her shoulders. Happy Birthday, Sweetie!
As a proponent of intellectual property copyrights, I was amused to see
a news byte
about "file-sharing" software company, Kazaa. Apparently, several secret, self-incriminating, internal Kazaa documents have been
presented in the Federal court case against the company. Among other things, those documents reveal that Kazaa executives knew
that the company's activities were a huge legal risk, and even Kazaa's employees hate to install Kazaa software on their PCs
because its bundled adware slows down their PCs and can hijack their Web browsers.
