What Is Verbal Abuse?

from Rape and Abuse Crisis Center of Fargo-Moorhead,
P.O. Box 2984, Fargo, North Dakota, 58108.

Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn't leave evidence such as bruises or broken bones, but it can be just as painful and healing can take much longer. Verbal abuse has not received the attention it deserves, given how harmful it can be to a person's mental health over a period of time. There is a difference between verbal abuse and conflict. In a conflict, each person wants something different, and in order to resolve the conflict, the two people in the relationship discuss their wants, needs and reasons while seeking a solution. Verbal abuse is an issue of power and control. One partner seeks power and control over the other partner and the relationship, and gains that power by controlling the communication within their relationship. It is not provoked by the abused partner, and by its very nature, undermines the feelings, beliefs, perceptions and behavior of the victim.

If you have been called idiot, dummy, bitch, or any other put-down, you have been verbally abused. Name calling is the most obvious form of verbal abuse and is not difficult to recognize, but verbal abuse takes many, more subtle forms as well:

Verbal abuse disguised as jokes -- Although teasing is a favorite pastime in family and love relationships, it can be a strong tactic of control. Even at its most innocent, teasing is designed to trigger people's shame, to cause them to blush or to feel foolish, especially when the teaser asks "What's the matter? Can't you take a joke?" Verbal abuse disguised as jokes and teasing destroys intimacy.
Withholding -- Refusing to listen to, or share of him/herself with you.
Countering -- Not allowing you to have a different opinion or point of view.
Discounting -- Treating your experiences and feelings as if they are worthless.
Blocking/Diverting -- Controlling communication by establishing what can/cannot be discussed and/or switching the topic.
Accusing and Blaming -- Accusing you of wrongdoing or blaming you for his/her words, feelings or behavior.
Judging and Criticizing -- Judging you and then expressing that judgment in a critical way to you or others.
Trivializing -- Indicating, directly or indirectly, that what you have done or said is not important.
Undermining/Sabotaging -- Not only withholding emotional support, but making comments that destroy your self confidence, or imply that you are inadequate or "not good enough."
Forgetting/Denial -- Declaring what occurred didn't occur; denying your reality.
Ordering -- Giving orders instead of asking respectfully for what he/she wants; denying the equality of the partner.
Abusive Anger -- Irritable outbursts, sneering, arguing, temper tantrums, shouting, yelling, raging, explosiveness or sarcasm directed at you or others.

Verbal abuse, as with other kinds of abuse, most often occurs in secret. This means there may not be anyone who has seen what has happened to you. You may think you have taken everything wrong, as you have probably been told, or you may truly believe there is something wrong with you. Recognizing verbal abuse for what is is, the attempt to gain power and control over you and the relationship is emotionally painful, but will allow you to recognize, understand and validate your own views and experiences.

If your partner is abusive, it is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility. Your efforts to bring reconciliation, mutual understanding and intimacy will most likely be rejected because your partner will view them as adversarial and undermining of their desire for control.

Be aware that there is nothing you can do or say to change another person. The other person must want to change for the sake of the relationship. You may ask for the changes you want in your relationship, but remember that change requires a mutual intention to communicate, understand, and to respond appropriately.