http://www.ComputerBob.com/dv/keeping_the_faith.php .
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by Marie Fortune
Available from Amazon.com
I'm a Christian pastor, and I have been faced with the problem of family violence throughout my ministry... In the past ten years, I have talked with many Christian women who have been battered or abused in their families. I have talked with women who are residing in shelters, women who were in hiding, seeking to change their identity in order to escape from their abuser. I have talked with women who have been ostracized by their churches and counseled by their pastors to go home and be a better Christian wife in order to stop their abuser's violence. I have also talked with women who have found caring and support from their pastor and congregation. I have led support groups for Christian abused women. I have heard scripture distorted and misused to justify harm done to another person. And I have prayed with women who needed reassurance of God's presence with them.
You have known fear. You have lived with fear each day. You have lived with the anxiety of never knowing when your partner's violence may erupt again. Perhaps you have feared for your life or the lives of your children... Sometimes, you may have thought, "If I only had wings, I could fly away from all of this and be safe." You may have longed for a safe place, a shelter to protect you from the storm of abuse in your family... The person who has hurt you, the person whose violence you fear, is someone very close to you. It is not a stranger walking down the street. It is a person you have loved and shared your life with. This makes the hurt much deeper.
QUESTION: Sometimes he is so nice and charming. He goes to church a lot, and everyone there thinks he is wonderful. They just don't know the side that I see at home. Which one is really him? ANSWER: It is not uncommon for battered women to describe their partners in these terms. There do seem to be two sides to his behavior. His public image is often charming, wonderful, courteous, active at church or in the community; yet, your experience with him is very different. You see his abusive, angry, controlling, manipulative side at home.
If your partner has truly repented and been converted, has genuinely turned to God, then he should perform acts worthy of his repentance; wait for him to no longer be abusive and controlling to anyone. If his conversion is not genuine, if he is only using this as a way to manipulate you or the legal system or his counselor, then you do not have any obligation to respond to him... In other words, there are some persons who are abusive and hateful to others and yet who put on the facade of religion to cover up their true selves. God knows these persons and knows what is really in their hearts. God does not expect us to be gullible and to accept their religiosity at face value. If their actions in private are not consistent, if they are abusive at home but at church are zealous converts, then they are presenting the "outward form of religion," but are denying its reality. Their conversion is a fraud. Do not be deceived by it.
QUESTION: He needs me now more than ever. How can he change without me to help him? Shouldn't I stay and take care of him? ANSWER: He needs help to change, but you cannot help him now. If he wants to stop his violent behavior, he needs to work with someone who understands his problem and holds him accountable, someone who can teach him other ways to relate to people. He needs a counselor who specializes in working with battering men. As long as you are there with him, you are an occasion for his sin. In other words, you are the one whom he feels safe abusing and as long as you are there, he will abuse you; he will continue with this sinful behavior. This does not mean that you are responsible for his behavior; it is not your fault. Leaving him temporarily and going to a shelter or to stay with a friend will give him the message that you will not tolerate the abuse any longer. This can be of more help to him than anything else you do. He may finally understand that he is destroying what is most important to him. Your leaving may call him to repent more quickly than your staying and trying to take care of him.
Any man who brings violence and abuse into his family life is putting asunder the marriage covenant that God has blessed. The violence is what breaks up the marriage, and the one responsible for that violence is the one responsible for the breakup. The actual divorce is in fact only the public acknowledgment of the private truth that a marriage has been long since destroyed by abuse. So if you consider whether or not to get a divorce, while it is a painful choice no matter what the circumstance, you are not taking steps to break up a marriage. Emotionally, that has already happened. You are taking steps to let other people know what has happened, to remove yourself and your children from a destructive situation, and to get on with your life. This is not to say that reconciliation between you and your husband is not possible. Reconciliation is possible if he is willing to get help and stop his violent behavior. In this case, once you see real evidence over a long period of time of real change in him, of true repentance, then you may choose to consider a reconciliation. Or you may not. You may feel that the damage is too deep between you. In this case, you need not feel guilty for getting a divorce. But if you and he do seek to come back together, you will need to consider this a new covenant between you in which you are both really clear that there will be no violence under any circumstance.
If you have already gone to your pastor or priest, I hope you found sensitivity and support. Share this book with him or her and ask for any further help you feel you need.
If you found your pastor or priest unhelpful, if you were not believed or you were counseled to
without dealing with the battering and abuse, then that person does not understand what you have been through. They have no comprehension of your experience and no information about wife abuse. At this point, they will not be a helpful resource to you.
Remember that most ministers have not received any training to prepare them to understand your abuse. Although they may care deeply about you and want to help, their lack of knowledge and skill will prevent them from being the support that you need. Do not feel guilty about choosing not to discuss your abuse further with them at this time. God will provide other pastors or priests who may be more knowledgeable and prepared to help.
If you have considered going to a shelter or have contacted a crisis line, you may have felt hesitant for fear that the counselor would not understand your Christian beliefs. Most shelters are not specifically Christian although many shelters rely on Christians in many different roles to provide their services. Do no assume that you will not find a Christian staff person or volunteer when you call a shelter or crisis line -- you may be surprised.
But you may also find someone who does not understand your beliefs or who is not currently an active Christian. Do not assume because of this that she cannot be of help to you. God works in mysterious ways and may send you an angel disguised as a shelter counselor. She has information you need; she has resources you need; she believes you and cares what happens to you. Give her a chance to help.
HOW TO BE HELPFUL TO THE CHRISTIAN BATTERED WOMAN... Particularly with Christian churches, there is a tendency to focus the discussion about wife abuse on the question of how to keep the family together at any cost. Hence, at times the well-intended advice of a pastor or church friend has discouraged the battered woman from leaving an abusive situation, in order to "keep the family together." Tragically, this advice does nothing to stop the abuse and may in fact endanger the battered woman and her children and ultimately destroy the family
HOW TO BE HELPFUL TO THE CHRISTIAN BATTERED WOMAN... There are three goals that you should keep in mind as you respond to her.
...It is possible that even when goals number 1 and 2 are accomplished, the marriage cannot be restored. The damage may be too severe for the woman to ever recover a sense of trust and safety. Or if the abuser refuses to repent and to seek help for his problems, there is no hope for restoration. In these cases, the only option is to mourn the loss of this relationship and deal openly and supportively with the reality of a broken marriage leading to divorce.
This is sometimes difficult for a Christian pastor who sees a high priority in avoiding divorce at all costs. The reality is that the abuser's violence has already destroyed this marriage and its only hope for restoration is if the abuser stops abusing. This is also the only hope for the abuser's salvation: he must be called to repentance and his repentance can only be made real in his efforts never to bring violence into his home again.