The Ever-Shrinking Circle

by ComputerBob

April 16, 2006

Many painful things have happened in the past six months since I gave my speech on Domestic Violence at a women's shelter's annual fundraising luncheon. Regular readers of this Journal have probably noticed that I haven't mentioned anything about my personal life since then. So much has happened that, for the past few months, I've thought about whether or not I should even tell you any of it, and if so, how I could possibly explain any of it to you. I feel like although I could write a book about it, I'm not yet a good enough writer to be able to write one concise paragraph about it. For now, I'd just like to say that many people don't want to hear the truth about abuse; no one wants to hear that they are acting abusively; and abusive relationships come in many more flavors than just spousal abuse.

I keep having to deal with loved ones who don't understand a thing about me or my life, but because of their own preconceived ideas, religious prejudices, or the need to try to justify their own abusive attitudes and behaviors, they think I'm a bad guy. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, they tell me and each other I'm a bad guy. I've discovered that this usually happens either because I don't live up to their expectations of how I should think and what I should do, or because I'm honest with them and refuse to let them be manipulative and abusive toward me. If I don't contact them and try to work things out with them, they claim that I'm being distant, and they use that as an excuse to reinforce their negative feelings toward me. If I try to work things out with them, they turn the tables and accuse me of being mean and defensive and that further reinforces their bad feelings toward me. Sadly, it's a lose-lose situation for me, because no matter what I do or don't do, someone who I love is still going to think badly of me and tell other loved ones lies about me, in an attempt to discredit me. And if the manipulative, abusive person has already established their own victim credibility, it's even worse -- they know from experience that they can tell lies with impunity, because no one is willing to call a certified victim a liar. But I really hate to lose any relationships, so I try to explain myself and work things out with the person. And then I try again. And again -- even though they usually give me an infuriating and hurtful holier-than-thou condemnation or tell me that I'm not a good Christian, or call me a hypocrite. If I were God, I would personally appear in my most impressive form to each of the holier-than-thou crowd, and bellow, "What makes you think that you speak for me?" It's a good thing I'm not God.

Anyway, usually after several rebuffed attempts to reason with the person, I finally realize that they have absolutely no ability or desire to understand me or to mend our relationship. In fact, oftentimes, they see my honesty as a threat, either to their powerful victim status, or to their personal power as an abuser. Or even scarier, to both. That's when I finally give up and have no further contact with them. I've learned that in my family, abuse is not only tolerated, it is considered normal, and anyone who speaks the truth against it is an enemy who must be attacked and discredited by any means possible. So, I find "family" in the ever-shrinking circle of people who know my many, many flaws but still love me. The person who was mad at me goes on slandering me and feeling spiritually superior to me, while I mourn the loss of our relationship and keep reminding myself that I didn't do anything wrong.

Basically, that's what has happened over and over for the past six months, and it happened again a couple of hours ago. If you ever want to find out who your real friends and family are, take a stand on an important issue.