ComputerBob's Chosen Excerpts from the book, "Battered But Not Broken: Help For Abused Wives And Their Church Families"

by Patricia Riddle Gaddis

Available from Amazon.com

Written for abuse victims and their pastors and friends, this book offers step-by-step intervention techniques and resources for assisting victims of domestic violence, and challenges the church to take a stand against this crime, which is a leading cause of injury and death to women in the United States

Topics covered in this book include:

Characteristics of battered women, including discussion of why they remain in abusive relationships
Characteristics of the batterer
What happens when children are involved
How pastors and the church community can help

Religion or faith in God does not prevent men from battering. In fact, it is estimated that one out of four members of the faith community is a victim/survivor of domestic violence, yet the church still most often fails to assist the victim of abuse, and, in many cases, worsens the problem by blaming the victim.

Marriage vows were never intended to chain partners into unhealthy and violent relationships. The image of marriage given to us in the Bible is actually that of Jesus giving himself to the church. So when pastors or well-intentioned Christian friends tell a woman to submit to an abusive spouse, they are ignoring God's image of what marriage is to be and are sending a clear-cut message to the world that abuse is acceptable in the eyes of God. Yet as Christians we know that nothing could be further from the truth.

The battered woman:

Is often unaware that a crime has been committed against her.
Is economically dependent on her partner. If she is allowed to work, her partner controls what she spends.
Fears losing custody of the children. The abusive partner tells her that he will press charges against her for abandonment.
Fears that her abuser may kidnap the children and she will never see them again.
Is insecure about being on her own, mainly due to a lack of self-esteem.
Fears that divorce may not be considered an acceptable option by her church.
Often has tremendous fear regarding life changes.
Lacks alternative housing and job skills.
Hopes that her abuser will change.
Fears retaliation.
Is not totally convinced of her right to be free from violence.
Believes that the violence is at least partially her fault and that she can stop it -- so she tries numerous ways of relating to her abuser when he is angry, yet none seem to work.
Does not want the relationship to end; just wants the violence to stop.

A Word About Couples Counseling: When counseling a couple within your congregation, it is important that you interview them separately. Appropriate screening is crucial and should include questions regarding family history and domestic violence. If you discover that violence is occurring, you should immediately refer the woman to someone who is specifically trained in the issues of domestic violence. Your local shelter program for battered women should be able to make the appropriate referrals. Mental health professionals are not always trained in crisis intervention methods for battered women mainly because battering is not considered to be a psychological problem but a social issue. For this reason, many psychologists work in conjunction with domestic violence professionals, referring their clients to shelter staff for additional counseling and legal advocacy.

Never attempt to counsel a couple together if there is violence within the relationship. Unless the abuse has totally stopped for many years and the abuser has completed a program designed specifically for batterers, couples counseling will only serve to increase the risk of danger to the woman. This is because battering is a control issue and not a communication issue, and couples counseling poses a major threat to the abuser's control over the relationship. In order for couples counseling to be effective, equality is needed between the partners involved. Unfortunately, when the dark veil of violence hovers over a relationship, there can be no equality in the communication process during the sessions because the woman will fear future retaliation for her honesty. This not only makes the marital counseling process ineffective, it also places her life at risk.

Unfortunately, despite the fact that the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence speaks out strongly against couples counseling, many professional counselors and pastors continue to engage in it.

Here are some overall guidelines for pastors, counselors, and laity who find themselves counseling a battered woman:

Do:

Refer the woman to your local domestic violence program for support, advocacy, and possible shelter. If there isn't a shelter nearby, pay for her to stay at a motel until you can get her admitted into a shelter within your state. (In the near future, investigate the possibility of having a shelter established in your community.)
Tell her that she does not deserve to be abused.
Acknowledge the seriousness of her situation and validate her experience.
Affirm that it is difficult to discuss interpersonal problems, assure her of your nonjudgmental support, and commend her for her courage.
Assure her that her sharing is confidential and that you will not tell her partner that she sought your help.
Use active listening skills (see "Developing Active Listening Skills," page 61).
Ask her if the abuse is currently occurring and, if so, processd to assist (see "Crisis Intervention," page 52).

Do not:

Assume the role of primary counselor when assisting the battered woman.
Make excuses for her abusive partner.
Tell her that she should submit to her abuser.
Tell her that she should not do anything to "set him off."
Tell her that she needs to see a therapist. (Remember, she is the victim, not the perpetrator.)
Tell her that it is God's will for her to be abused.

How To Handle The Batterer: ...The first thing that pastors and congregations can do is to break the silence. This will let both victims and perpetrators know that others are aware of the "hidden" problem of domestic violence. Pastors and members of the Christian community can learn about the problem of battering and how to respond by reading books such as this and by contacting their local battered women's shelter and the organizations listed in Appendix A for more information.

Next, holding batterers responsible for their actions should be top priority within the Christian community. Intervention based on confrontation and tough love is the prerequisite for change. I firmly believe that if abusers are confronted and faced with tangible consequences within their place of worship, we as a society would witness a dramatic drop in violent crimes against women.

But no matter how many programs are implemented within the church and community, the abuser must accept personal responsibility for his violence before any treatment can be successful. True change requires the courage and willingness to think and act differently.