When And How To Intervene
One in four women is involved in an abusive relationship, which means someone you know -- a friend,
cousin, co-worker or neighbor -- is involved in an abusive relationship. Of course, you want to help, but when? And how?
The couple in the apartment next door shouts their way through argument after argument.
- If you sense that the situation is getting out of control, you can call and say, "I thought I heard something crash -- just
wanted to make sure everything is okay." This kind of interruption, says Esta Soler, executive director of the San Francisco-based
Family Violence Prevention Fund, can temporarily lower the heat in a domestic flare-up by giving both partners a few seconds to
step back and check their anger.
- Approach the woman when she's alone. Let her know you're there to help when she needs it -- to use the phone, look after her
children, or for a ride to the hospital.
- Set up an SOS system with her. If she knocks on the wall three times, you'll call the police.
Through a window, you see a neighbor being struck by her husband, or you hear a thump followed by a scream.
- Don't hesitate. Call 911. In the heat of the moment, it's not safe for anyone but the police to intervene. When the abuser
faces possible arrest -- as opposed to a visit from a neighbor -- he's more likely to recognize the gravity of his actions.
- By calling the police, you establish a paper trail, an important record of the situation.
Your co-worker is often badly bruised or absent, depressed or nervous.
- You shouldn't assume that everyone with a bruise is being badly battered. But, according to Mary Ann Dutton, Ph.D., a George
Washington University clinical psychologist specializing in domestic violence, it's still important to establish a link with
women who show signs of abuse. She suggests "saying something non-threatening like 'Wow, you seem to bruise easily.' Even if she's
not ready to talk about it yet, you've opened the door for another conversation."
- Continue to show your willingness to listen and help; acknowledge that it must be hard to ask for assistance. Offer her a
list of telephone numbers for local shelters, hotlines and counseling services (you can find these in the Yellow Pages under
Social Services).
You have a friend in an abusive relationship.
- Break the secrecy. Tell her you know what is happening to her, and no matter what she has done -- whether she has spent too
much money for groceries or had an affair -- she doesn't deserve to be beaten.
- Be supportive. Most battered women feel alone and embarrassed. Remind your friend that millions of other women are abused, and
volunteer to accompany her when she sees a lawyer or counselor.
- Offer to keep a special safety box for her, suggests Donna Edwards, president of the Washington, DC-based Coalition Against
Domestic Violence. It should contain extra house and car keys, money, a change of clothes and copies of her birth certificate,
passport, social security card, divorce and custody papers, protection orders, and bank and credit card information.
- Suggest that she secretly open her own savings account, and develop a safety plan with several options of whre she can go
and whom to call if and when she leaves.
- Offer your home as a safe haven for her if you're sure it wouldn't be dangerous for both of you. You can also give her the
name of a willing friend in another city or state.
- Remember that your role is to create new choices and alternatives for your friend, to extend invitations. Never tell her she
is doing something wrong by staying with her husband or boyfriend; she will feel even more ashamed, and you will be yet another
person trying to take control of her life.
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